Some of us are old enough to remember when the television parental guideline ratings first debuted. The only programs that weren’t subject to the rating system were news and sportscasts. Athletics and information, what could possibly be inappropriate for children there? How about a grotesque mass of puss emanating from a man’s head during a Dr. Pimple Popper commercial? Warner Bros, that didn’t feel appropriate for me and I have a car note.

It’s bad enough that during sporting events people are subjected to these horror movie trailers against their will. I know it’s a popular genre, but horror used to be about mutant leprechauns or a plastic clown laughing menacingly near an instrument of torture. Now terrifying demons are leaping out of bathtubs at little girls.

Those of you that love to watch creatures from hell try and drag people back down with them, do you, my friend. Personally, as a Black man in America, I don’t need to try and scare myself for recreation. I’ve lived through a few real-life horror stories:

Now in addition to unwanted nightmare fuel, I have to deal with commercials for live-action Ren and Stimpy. The only time I want to hear the words “doctor” and “pimple popper” anywhere near each other is when I’m watching the Seinfeld episode when George tries to airbrush himself out of his boss’s photograph — a problem that in 2023 can easily be solved with a Google Pixel 7.

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One moment I’m watching Kawhi Leonard and Kevin Durant exchange 3-pointers, and then all of a sudden there’s a bulbous mass of skin and gunk jumping out of my television. I am willing to acknowledge that I have become more squeamish as I have gotten older, but that commercial was gag-inducing. Fortunately, I had already eaten my leftover pizza, because Dr. Pimple Popper could have succeeded in being the first thing on Earth to ruin the deliciousness of that meal.

Leave it to Warner Bros. though to ruin a great product. First, they not only flush tons of excellent content from HBO Max, but now they want to divorce the app from the most prestigious name in all of television.

The CEO has already stated that the company “doesn’t need the NBA.” What else could TNT possibly air that would draw eyeballs to the screen? Warner Bros. has already stopped developing new scripted content and canceled most of the Turner-era shows. Is TNT going to just air reruns of Charmed until the end of time? Viacom has already done this to MTV by turning it into a never-ending episode of Ridiculousness.

Would somebody please think of the children?! Actually, forget the kids, do something for me.

Warner Bros. please end this madness. I’ve supported you for many years. Bugs Bunny, Animaniacs, The Wayans Bros, I watched all of it. I’ve bought movie tickets and spent good money buying your merch at Great America. All I ask is that you all stop startling me and grossing me out during my favorite time of the year.

You can have my HBO, but for all that is good, and decent stop poking at my NBA Playoff viewing experience.